Hello. I was trying to find help, once again, for myself. After reading some things you wrote, and your bio, I was moved enough to write to you. Firstly, may I say I admire your spirit yet I’m sorry for whatever you had to endure. And, if I may add, I love your name. Now, to the main part………I want to be brief here. Your questions or comments are most welcome. It has been 10 years since my “girlfriend” of 15 years, the person I gave my life for, did a sudden turnabout and accused me of stealing stuff out of her home. Not only was it the way she accused me, but also the fact that she called police. I had to go in to speak with them and go through a lie detector test proving my innocence. I still cannot believe all this happened, but it’s like yesterday. You ( I ) come to say to yourself that either you were being used all those years, or that there was always a mental illness and that it got worse. When you can’t have normal communication, everything ends, except the hurt. I never had the chance to hold her and shake her, saying, how could you think I would ever do such a thing. Perhaps it’s best I never did, but I have been accused and sentenced by the one I sacrificed for. I cannot rationalize it in my head–even 10 years later. So much more to this, so if something does not make sense to you, or you just have some questions, please ask me anything you’d like. I’ve not been living for 10 years–I’ve been dying. I’m 62. I need to move on with whatever time I have left. If I could just forget her………. Thank you. – Mr. B
Dear Mr. B,
Thank you for the kind words about me and about my blog. I see that you are a person of great sensitivity, which no matter what anyone else tells you, is actually a wonderful thing!
I promise in my blog, not necessarily good advice, but uncommon advice (although I try for good advice too!). My perception of you is a person going through Depression. As someone who has dealt with Depression both in myself and in family members, I see a similar journey in you. As you know, I’m not a doctor or a mental health professional of any kind. It may not be true, but it’s what I see.
I just read an interesting article recently on a link between Depression and intelligence. If I can find it again, I’ll post it, but rest assured, many people in this country, and in the world have battled Depression at one point or another in their lives. But only the smart ones. :p (Just kidding!)
My first advice to you is to see a doctor and/or a therapist because Depression can be made to feel better. You are right! You are a man of 62 years – why not choose to make the rest of your life one that can be free or relatively free of suffering? I would like that to happen for you. And sometimes Depression is caused by actual physical things in the body such as thyroid problems or other things that really should be checked out. The very first thing I suggest doing is to take care of yourself, even if that means seeing a doctor!
As for your ex-wife, that must have been a tough situation. To have someone you love betray you in that fashion must have been excruciating. And it is true that it’s possible that she was suffering under some form of mental illness or even dementia. I remember reading that some forms of dementia can start as early as the 30′s for some people. But it’s also true that maybe she was just someone that craved attention, liked drama, was trying to control you, or it’s even possible that she was a good healthy person who genuinely believed this of you, even though it wasn’t true. What is true, is that this was in the past, and whatever her mental state or reasoning, it’s time to let it go – not because it was right or ok what she did, but because hanging on to it is only hurting you – and I really want you to feel better!
Like everyone, I have made mistakes in my life and have been betrayed by others I’ve loved too. That hurts so bad, and even now, in my head, I’m remembering things that happened in my life that hurt incredibly, and where love betrayed me. I also have memories in my head of betraying others I’ve loved, even though I had the best of intentions at the time. What I’m trying to say is – Poop Happens – and it happens to absolutely everyone. It’s not being beaten down by it that is the real challenge.
I’m also going to suggest something that may seem odd to get you through this tough period.
As thoughts and memories of this betrayal come up and wash over you, try these things. First, let the memories come, but try to look at them dispassionately, as an outside observer. Try not to judge either her or yourself. Then, again, still without judging, force your mind to think of a song, or phrase, whatever works for you, that you know without a doubt. Hear the song in your head, and count either the letters in each word of the song, or count the beats in each sentence. My plan is that by doing this, you will take an obsession that’s hurting you and turn it into something that’s more helpful or at least not hurting you! And if you combine that with seeing a doctor, you should get your life back on track and on the road to a happier place soon. The most important thing is to view the situation without the pain that you currently seem to be feeling.
I am wishing the very best for you. If you would like more advice, clarification or even just a comment, you’re welcome to post it here (where maybe someone else who may be suffering from similar problems can benefit from the conversation), or send me an email which will be kept between us.
All best to you,