I really do come from a background of tragedy. Physcial, emotional and sexual abuse as a child. Moving from home to home in foster care. Losing both my parents. Side-skirting (barely) many, very, very dangerous situations.
I may look sweet (and I do – LOL), but in my own way, I’m a bad-ass. I’ve pulled a knife on someone who tried to attack me. As an adult, I defended myself from a rapist (barely). I have stood up to many people who sense that I’ve a backgound of abuse (and believe me, there are people who can sense it) – and who’ve tried to attack me in one way or another. I’ve WON many, many battles.
I’ve also lost many too – and I’m not going to tell you guys about those. I never really understood ‘dangerous situations,’ the way people who grew up in a more ‘normal’ way do. I’ve never been afraid of coming eye to eye with a giant man whose bent on causing trouble. Or even several (these are true situations). I don’t know why – I just don’t have fear in those situations.
But… I fear myself. I fear relationships, especially friendships. I fear saying the wrong things to people, and being judged as inadequate or ‘not good enough,’ by society-at-large. And I don’t know how to rid myself of it. I fear, most of all, loss.
I’ve come to the understanding, that I really only can trust myself – and that I’m not even that trustworthy. I can’t leave myself, which is the biggest benefit I have. Everyone leaves eventually – and while some people would find that an asinine thing to say – it is as true in my life as the fact that I breathe.
It’s hard to trust people anymore except in the present moment. I trust people to be here today. I trust that they are probably not leaving today. I don’t trust that I won’t say the wrong thing and push them away – and that’s something I don’t know how to control.
You may be in control of your life, but I’m not terribly in control of mine. I barely make enough to pay minimum bills. I barely do enough to be a good wife, sister, or best friend. As for work… well, it’s never a good idea to talk about work on your personal blog!
It’s hard to entwine the Rose who is a bad-ass, and the Rose who is afraid of so much. It’s hard to explain that I love YOU for who you are to me today, but that I don’t expect that you will be in my life in my future – so I can’t get closer to you than this. There are walls – and then there are my walls.
Only I can take them down.
And… they’re not going anywhere.
People love stories like mine – the inspirational Rose – the one who triumphed over adversity. Tell me – what is my triumph really?
It’s not really that hard to survive. What’s really hard, is to LIVE.