When there’s any sort of chaos or discord in my life, my first reaction is to assume I was at fault somehow. I analyze the heck out of my behavior in the situation, usually find something I could have done better, and then apologize and rectify the situation to the best of my ability. When it’s someone else’s fault, I usually give them a smaller share of the blame, assuming that if I made a mistake, that’s good enough to take the fault for. How harsh is that?
Sometimes, rarely, I admit, I realize that I take too much on myself. I wonder how many others do that too. In my case, it probably comes from the strange childhood I had, but I don’t like to make excuses. I still think it’s good for people to analyze themselves and see what they as individuals contributed to a situation.
But sometimes it’s not anyone’s fault, just a miscommunication. And sometimes, it’s neither of those things but the other person’s fault entirely. The situation can be as small as a mean joke or as large as unimaginable violence, or as awful as rape or other physical/mental violence.
When you’ve been a victim of molestation and/or rape, a lot of times the first reaction had is to blame yourself. What did I do to deserve this? And it’s not just women who go through this but male victims too. What made them do this to me?
And while you hear that it’s not your fault, you still feel a shred of doubt on the inside. Was I asking for it somehow without meaning to? The questioning you do to yourself as you evaluate the situation is almost as painful as the initial act.
It’s not something that you can really talk about, because people will shush you in an attempt to make you feel better. They mean well, and you know it, but it just builds a higher wall between yourself and other people.
When you finally get to the point that you can say clearly, that it was absolutely the other person’s fault, you will likely find yourself in a better place to heal.
Doubting yourself and blaming yourself is a form of self-hatred, and none of us should or need to take the responsibility of someone else’s bad or evil actions on ourselves. You know that, I know that, and yet, this seems to be something that’s easier said than done.
I know that many people will read this because it will remind them of a situation in their own lives. Here is my reassurance to you.
It’s not your fault.
There’s no need to blame yourself.
Try to take the best care of yourself that you can, and remember to reach out to others for help too.
Wishing all of you a gentle but thorough healing, whatever your story,