About a month ago, I didn’t have any goals. In fact, I could probably say that I hadn’t had any goals in over 5 years. Of course, there were short-term ones, like ‘do the laundry by Saturday,’ but I’m talking really big life goals. I just couldn’t seem to find my way no matter what I did.
I’d go into interviews, and have to make up life goals on the spot. I couldn’t really tell employers that so much sad stuff had happened, that I was living in a ‘wait and see,’ kind of mindset. You’re supposed to have goals no matter what!
My teens and twenties were all about goals. I’m going to graduate from the best college in Michigan! Check. I’m going to get married! Check. I’m going to get lots of promotions! Check. I’m going to be a manager! Check. I’m going to get divorced! Wait, that wasn’t planned!
But my thirties, have not been the best decade of my life so far. I lost my birth-Mom, my step-mom, and my only Dad. I lost my cat, who had been my best friend, and by my side for over 20 years. I had some terrible experiences with so-called ‘friends.’ My life goal of helping tons of people kind of disintegrated as I realized that, emotionally, I couldn’t handle so many people’s pain. The more pain that I was exposed to in the social services jobs (I ran a shelter for teen Mom’s, and helped over 250 kids transition out of foster care, etc), the less of a good job I was able to do – so all my ambition, just kinda… went away.
I lost all confidence working for myself, and started believing that I couldn’t do anything. I chose jobs that were safe, where I didn’t have to grow. But things just kept getting worse and worse.
I’ve recently made some HUGE shifts in thinking – after I was hospitalized unexpectedly and could’ve died. I’m thinking of becoming Catholic, instead of Jewish. I’m thinking of volunteering instead of working with people, and I am completely gung ho about my brand new job as a salesperson, and have a goal of multiple promotions and to get to a spot where I can travel often as part of my job. Unlike the past ten years, I’m alive. I’m studying on how to become the best possible sales person – how to close, and how to succeed. I am using goal apps, losing weight, and making myself look better, and I actually have over 10 medium and long term goals right now!
I’m worrying less about ‘fixing’ or ‘helping’ my sweetheart, and more about helping us both to live a happy life, by putting myself first, and trying to help him put himself first too. And, I’m planning parties and surprises as Thank You’s to the people who’ve stood by us in our times of difficulty these past few years.
Every day, I’m thinking, ‘what is the kindest thing I can do in this situation?’ And trying to be both kind and forgiving in every situation with others. I’m praying for my loved ones in ways and with a depth I never have before.
All of this… because I’ve finally found hope – hope enough to make life goals again. Life is so, so cool right now!
Wish the same for those of you reading this.