I have been thinking a lot about taking this website down, and starting anew. I’ve been writing it for about 3 or 4 years, and I am just not the same person I was a few years back. Back then, I saw this website as kind of my way of volunteering – a way to help others without actually having to be around them.
I have lots of reason for that. I feel passionately that as people, we need to watch out for each other, but I tried working through nonprofits (for about 5 years) and they can be pretty horrendous. I helped run a shelter, did marketing for a BSBS (oh, I don’t think I got that one right), and even partly ran a state-wide program to help other former foster kids make it as adults. Back then, I really believed I could make a big difference. I have learned though, that I can only make small differences, like with my writing. But I’m cool with that.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Anonymous, partly because I joined the blackout this year, but I’ve been thinking about them on and off for a long time. There might be something wrong with me that I don’t see anything wrong with what they’re doing. I’ve never thought that just because there is a rule or a law that it’s automatically right. On the other hand, do I follow all laws to the best of my ability? Of course, I do. Maybe it was getting all those lame parking tickets when I was 17 (no turning right between 5-8am – it was 7:58, etc). I think I learned growing up in foster care too, that the government is really flawed – but that people make up the government, and people are really flawed too. And that.. flawed or not, the government comes down on anyone that steps out of line – even if it’s just idealistically.
And I am an idealist. I’ve been a target since the day I was born.
For example, I could never become a politician – not that I’m not smart enough or caring enough, but for many other reasons. One, I’m with Obama – do what it takes and don’t waste time and money arguing about it – and while I think it’s the only thing likely to work right now, it’s not appreciated (I’m not saying I agree or disagree with WHAT he’s doing, just that HOW is just about all he can do with the stupid partisan politics). More importantly, I could never hold up under public scrutiny, and I’ve known this my whole life.
My birth-mom had Paranoid Schizophrenia and was in and out of mental institutions her whole life – wouldn’t the evil press have fun with a candidate with that background? My birth-father did bad things to children. Already, by just being born, I’m not public office material, and never will be. It really doesn’t matter if none of it is my fault – I was born stained, and whether people say they believe in that kind of thing or not – most do.
I’ve had both the stupidest and the most evil things happen to me growing up in foster care, and then as an adult too (I actually learned to appreciate stupid, because evil is generally scary smart). I became smart, and a survivor, and I am a chameleon in most situations, because I’m always scared to death Stranger XYZ somewhere is going to try to hurt me. I also learned how to be evil to evil, to retaliate when attacked, and to know what really is bad versus what people just think is bad.
Still, I’m smarter than heck and constantly challenge myself to become more intelligent, more skillful and more creative. I don’t think I will ever stop that. The one thing I’ve learned to my detriment, is to not empathize with other’s to the same extent. Still I don’t watch news or videos with suffering people or animals, because I just can’t do any damn thing about it and it almost completely breaks me over and over again.
So, these days I feel like a financial calamity Jane. I am one of the 99% and I’m in a position I’m not ‘supposed’ to be in. I’m highly educated and well-trained. I have great work experience and awesome references. And yet, there is such a glut of applicants, that I can’t seem to find a job. So, instead of hiring someone, or at least interviewing someone like me who usually make s$20-$28 an hour for a ridiculous low price, people are hiring whom exactly? People with doctorates for low-to-mid level jobs? Or exactly the people who are supposed to be hired for the lower-paying jobs leaving someone like me pretty desperate.
So, I’m not usually this frank in my blog, but I’m pretty convinced I’ve selectively steered most of my old readers away from my blog (why? just didn’t feel qualified to give advice anymore), so if anyone honestly reads this (other than my future MIL – hiii!), it would be a surprise to me. Plus, I always push people away when I’m scared or sad, and right now I’m kinda both in a big way, and despite the happy pills.
I’ve struggled so much as an adult, and I have made some really, REALLY stupid decisions. But, for the last 5 years, I feel like I’ve turned things around and really started making good decisions. And, I’ve finally gotten to the point that my heart has almost healed from some bs that happened to me, one awful thing after another, about 4-5 years ago too.
Maybe you want to know what it is, but really, if I were to talk about it evil ones might come out of the woodwork and beat me to a shameful death (rather than just death), so I’d rather avoid it right now. Let me leave it at the fact that it’s almost impossible for me to trust anyone enough to make friend’s anymore.
So, the last two weeks have really sucked. Gas or food? Food or rent? Rent or bills? Laundry? Btw, it ended up being food, food shelf, more food, a little bit of rent, and that’s it.
I’m so tired of this! I put in all of those years of education so that I’d never, ever have to be in the same position I was as a kid. Maybe we never really can raise up away from our backgrounds. Maybe rising upward is a ludicous idea based on an idealistic personality. But maybe not.
For some stupid reason I still can’t give up quite yet. Kinda like Anonymous and that other one, Luls or something (I always think of balloons, I don’t know why). Doing small things to make great changes – I know our gov doesn’t want us to think well of them, but as one of the populace, I do admire these modern-day, Robin Hood’s and I think they’re cool.
Even if I’m not supposed to.