I have avoided writing this one for years. For one, it strikes too close to the core of me, but for another, I’ve never wanted the responsibility of saying the wrong things to other people who struggle with thoughts of death or of suicidal actions. And… I don’t have any credentials to help anyone. This blog is, and has always been just my thoughts .
But… I’m many things, but a coward isn’t one of them. By the way, if you’re thinking of committing suicide right now, you might as well take a breather and read my whole article, right? If there’s really nothing left to lose but a few moments in time, then why be stingy? And if you’ve just swallowed a bunch of pills, or whatever, please call 911 or your local emergency number, ok? Then come back and read my long-as-hell article when you’re less busy.
First I’m going to talk about me, then I’m going to talk to you, k? When I’ve been suicidal, at least as an adult, the last thing I wanted to hear was some platitude. I just wonder if there would be less suicides if we all actually talked about these things out in the open, rather than holding it in. First, because I believe that almost everyone has at least had thoughts of suicide, whether or not they’ve ever acted on them. And to me, it’s a farce to pretend that suffering doesn’t exist, or that many of us don’t hurt at extremely deep levels. Or that almost everyone hasn’t thought of ending it all.
My earliest suicidal thought was at 12 I think. I’m in my mid-30′s now. For me, my suicidal thoughts have gotten, not better, but worse every single year. I’m not suicidal right now, and thank God (that’s my belief, I don’t judge you yours), but probably a month ago I was. Again. Probably Number, hmmm… 84? At least? And I’m taking depression medicine. I always take it at least a month before my usual suicidal times.
Through the years I’ve learned to hold these thoughts and feelings in, and to not talk to people about it. I’ve learned to keep showing up for work and to keep doing my best no matter what I’m secretly thinking. I’ve also learned to not scare people with my thoughts, but they’re very, very real – and frighteningly ongoing. Between you and me, I’m absolutely amazed that I keep scrapping with life.
I have a rule on suicidal thoughts though, and maybe it’ll help you too. My rule is, that if I still feel the same in 6 months, that it’s time – because anything before then is based purely on emotion and not reason. And, because it’s one of the most important decisions I can make – I want to make sure it’s the right decision.
When I’m the most suicidal, I don’t talk about it to anyone. In fact, I seem to become outwardly happier. I spent one year marking each day off on a calendar, and didn’t say a word about it to anyone. I wrote my will, smiled and laughed a lot, and made really good memories for people to remember me by, or at least to try to ease some of their pain with my passing, because even though I planned to die, I did not want my loved ones to suffer more than necessary. The craziest thing is that I was so happy those 6 months, and the only reason it didn’t happen is that I got a move offer to go to another state two weeks before the day I’d chosen. When thinking about whether to move or not, I thought, “What the hell. I can do it as easily there as I can here.” Obviously my date came and went, but that is still one of the scariest years of my life.
Scary, because of me, not because of anyone else. And believe me, I’ve seen scary in a lot of people.
I do think suicidal thoughts are common in teenagers, and more feirce because the emotions that cause the thoughts are so overwhelmingly strong – at least they were for me. Although I had several secret attempts as a teenager, I am really glad I didn’t succeed then because my 20′s were, for the most part, pretty wonderful. I actually am glad, that, even with my severe depresssions, that I had every year of my 20′s. So, if you’re a struggling teenager, I think you should really think ahead to at least 18, and then 21, and then 26/27 when your hormones go completely wacky, and then 30.
So, enough about me – you’re not here for me anyway. You’re here because the pain feels like it’s too much. And you’re here because it’s too hard to hold onto alone, but you can’t share it with someone else, whether because they’re simply not there, or because you don’t think they can handle it. Maybe they can and maybe they can’t – I’m not going to pretend to you that all people can handle all things.
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
– Dorothy Parker
If you’re here because you’re a drama queen (whether a man or a woman), because you’re just feeling so sorry for yourself, or because someone just broke up with you, or if you’re doing it in revenge or to hurt someone else – man or woman or transgender up.Everyone gets kicked around, and in a month things will be, if not better, than different.
For everyone else though – you know I don’t have the answers. Everyone talks about how selfish suicide is, and it is definitely selfish. Even if you think the world would be better without you, you know that’s not true – the world will just continue to do it’s thing, but you will, absolutely, leave behind incredible hurt and pain – and from people you don’t even think or realize will care.
And although I’ve thought about suicide so much through the years, the thought of someone I love committing suicide just tears me up, and at the end of the day, that’s probably what stops me more than anything. If I can’t even handle the thought of someone close to me killing themselves, than they probably could handle it even worse than me. Do you know what I mean?
At the end of the day though – I recommend turning off the depressing music, and watching something boring and crappy on tv. For hours, or days, or even for a whole month if that’s what it takes. Just try to avoid thinking – live through it, and if it’s really real, you’ll know after 6 weeks or so.
For other adults though that are like me, you must have realized that I have no advice for you. I’m just a sister soul out here that struggles too. What do you do to keep yourself from ending it? Do you have any advice for others?