I’ve been thinking that I’m of an age that I could have or adopt a child. Preferably, I’d like to adopt a child, or children, but my sweetie isn’t ready or interested in that right now. Some day though, and we’ve talked about it – it may happen.
Like a lot of people, I wonder what kind of mother would I make? What kind of teacher, nurturer and protector would be in my capacity to do well?
I have very strong feelings about parenting, probably from my experience growing up in foster care without stable, loving parents – and then from my adoption as a special needs teenager. I imagine that my future babes will have the best of everything – loving parents, Montessori then private schools, and the ability and option to choose anything they want for their adult lives. I imagine this idealized life where they never have to struggle too much – just the normal amount for them to become the best people they can be.
Am I too old? Too formed? What kinds of things could I really give them that would make them the best, happiest people possible? With adoption, will they miss that hum of blood relations that I feel being around birth relatives? What age or ages would be the right ones? Will they always feel like actors with people who aren’t family, like I have often felt? Will I be able to help them understand that you are what you choose to be and what you choose to do – not where you came from? Will I pass on the utter loneliness I’ve felt, and still, at times, feel inside – a feeling of difficulty in connecting sometimes in a personal, instead of professional way (but still wanting to)? What are the best and worst things I would or could pass on to the next generation? Will I pass on my love of reading and my ability to communicate through writing and art? Or will I pass on my flaws?
There are so many American children that need homes and parents. Will I be one of those who can give that to one beloved child? Having come from such a fractured background – should I be?
I see myself as extremely capable but also flawed. When I’m stressed or anxious I revert to logic instead of emotions, which is sometimes a blessing, and sometimes not. Will my little one or ones tell me one day, “Well, Mom, let’s weigh the pros and cons,” or whisper prayers or affirmations to keep their courage up? Can I teach them intuition, and will my flaws outweigh the blessings my sweetie would give them?
Will they value education, and art, compassion and honor? Will they have the sense that they are all alone in the world, or will they always have the understanding that they are absolutely loved unconditionally? I wonder endlessly.
Someday… maybe I’ll find out?