So, I’m back in the saddle again after a 6 week hiatus due to an injury and birthday cake. On April 7th, I’m going to a free kettlebell class through my work, and I’m really excited about learning how to do the kettlebell swings correctly!
If my dad and I weren’t on the outs, I’d love to bring him into this. I’m meeting some of the strongest, happiest athletes (through the internet), of all ages. And I’ll be meeting some of them in person too!
In elementary school I was the clutz – no one picked me for gym class, because… I was terrible. In high school, everyone picked me… at first… because I was tall and thin with big muscles for a girl. Then they found out that I have no coordination, and no stamina. It always sucked seeing how people stopped picking me after a while. I did take a weight class in high school or junior high, which I loved… but it was cool to not do weights in the weight class, and the teacher was always out smoking, so even though I liked it, I was too afraid to do weights because of peer pressure. I also did Upward Bound – and although I passed, and ran a ten mile marathon – I hated it!!!
In college, I found Tae Kwon Do, and it was the first sport I was ever good at! I loved it, and did it for two years. I was even good at it! I don’t remember why I stopped – I think I may have moved away? But… that was the end of sports for me, for a long time.
I still feel bad about my divorce, because I went crazy and blamed my ex for a lot of things that were really my fault. I admit – this was a long time ago now, but I was in the wrong, and I wish I could set things right. But, the divorce changed my life, and I stopped fighting against healthy stuff quite as much.
Not on the outside where people could see… but on the inside. I started smoking, which was the worst (quit 3 years in May!), but if you ignored the smoking, I was making quiet changes that no one could see. I secretly kept a food journal and started noticing what I ate that was healthy and unhealthy. I started doing aerobics – when no one could see. I was very, very secretive about my ‘healthy’ behavior – like I was ashamed of it for some reason. And I think maybe I was?
For me, it was cool to seem unhealthy. To smoke. To pretend to drink a lot (which I actually rarely did). To not exercise, because only jocks and barbie dolls exercised. I don’t think I thought these things consciously, but I sure made sure that on the outside, I seemed a mess. Maybe to match my inner self?
I’m finally admitting, at least on this blog, that I’ve struggled with bulimia on and off. That I still struggle with it. I want to get thin so bad… and although it never helps, it always feels better when I do something to try to make myself lose weight (which never, ever works). I am pretty sure I’d be anorexic if I didn’t hate the feeling of being dizzy that I get from not eating. And… fainting in public is always awkward.
So, here I am – at least 15 lbs overweight, but trying in my own slightly less secretive ways to get healthier. I eat a healthy breakfast every morning now of brown rice and eggs. I snack on cucumbers, and eat a little bit of chocolate every night to fight cravings. I am losing weight, just slowly.
So, this post is about my methods of motivating myself, of getting healthier, because I admire the people I’m working with so much. I’ve finally started to get back on the path this past week or two (again, time has always been fuzzy for me). Writing my food journal, making healthy choices, and doing my exercises (although not on the same scale as before my injury – it still throbs if I do too much to quickly).
So, my calves are too tight from the walk/run I did the other day, and it’s a wonderful feeling. Why is exercising so fun when half the time it makes something else hurt?
I’d love to have an exercise buddy or two – if you’re interested in comparing notes, send me an email!
Warmly yours in the quest for a healthier self,